Monday, 20 February 2017

Don't ask how I'm feeling unless you have a spare half hour

You know that all is not as it should be when you are googling in the early hours of the morning and this is at the top of your results.


And that's good advice BTW. If you or anyone you know is feeling that way then they will listen and not judge.

It's hard to describe what it feels like in those moments.

I wrote some words down the last time it happened and hope this sheds some light

First we have intense and the super hyper reality of inability to sleep coupled with you feeling everything at once. It's hypochondria where every heartbeat is pounding in your head and feels wrong. And fast. And faster. The fastest it has ever gone. And so fucking loud.
Skin tightens throat tightens and dries, it's painful to swallow feels hard to breathe, ears ring, vision is blurred for a moment, so aware of every movement you make, skin sometimes feels itchy and you feel fragile. These are of course all indicators of a panic attack - not those ones that people say hey have when they forget to watch Strictly but the ones when YOU THINK KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.

I've had a all pervading fear of death for as long as I can remember. I even used to gets the shakes when I thought of how old I would be in the year 2000. When it came around I didn't notice but at 12/13 I literally shook with fear that my life would have got so far towards completion. I guess because at that age being in your twenties was pretty much dead. Now the thought of death brings a primal scream at 3am - the thought that this is it and one day it will be nothing. I have no faith - this is all we got and you'd think I would therefore relax and enjoy it - go nuts. I'd love that to be the case.

I think it's likely I will never have a long term relationship, never have children - not that I've ever wanted them - or any of the other ways that people make a mark on the world while they are here.
So I try and make an impression on those I care about and live on in their memories and what they will say about me.




So why then do I sometimes feel like I can't go on living?

Because these moments are irrational and maybe they are just self pitying sloughs of despondency - the sound of loneliness turned up to ten. And you never more alone at the centre of anxiety in the middle of a depressed week/month when you feel numb AS WELL as everything - see, makes no sense. Everything means nothing and that nothingness means everything. The desperate feelings cloud your judgement and that ever lasting blackness seems the right option.
The thing I fear the most becomes my fondest wish.

Thing is I'm a coward. So you probably can all stop worrying.

Doesn't mean I won't be in pain, that I won't often sob uncontrollably, that I won't be horrible to be around, infuriating and just plain sad. But I'm not brave enough to be dead.


             



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